


our biggest fears

by whatcanisayexceptiloveyou



Category: Red Velvet (K-pop Band)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Late Night Conversations, Rejection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-28
Updated: 2020-09-28
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:13:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,984
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26668771
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whatcanisayexceptiloveyou/pseuds/whatcanisayexceptiloveyou
Summary: seungwan only wanted a late night talk with joohyun, but she didn't expect to uncover the true reason why she had been rejected.
Relationships: Bae Joohyun | Irene/Son Seungwan | Wendy
Kudos: 27





	our biggest fears

"seungwan?"

the soft voice she had been waiting for sounded from her door, with it being pushed open without the person on the other side knocking before hand. but seungwan didn't mind. she knew that the person who had just invaded her personal space was someone she wanted to keep within her space. 

"are you awake?" joohyun knew the answer even before she had entered the room, but the politeness engraved within her made her ask anyway. as she stepped into seungwan's room, she felt as if her head had finally emerged from being trapped underwater, and it felt like she could breathe again. every time she stepped into this room, she knew that her worries would soon be lifted from her aching body and away from any place where it could engulf her mind once more. the comforting sound of a candle crackling on seungwan's desk as the girl she had been wishing to be alone with was typing on her computer, the glow from the screen lighting up seungwan, who had put her hair up in a ponytail so strands don't begin to get in her way as she worked. the short-haired girl turned to the eldest, her glasses slipping slightly down her nose as she did so. and joohyun swore that she had never seen a more perfect sight. 

"do you want to talk?" this question had started many conversations previously that had helped both of the girls before, but this time it had a different demeanour. joohyun carried the air of someone who wanted to be distracted rather than questioned and probed for answers. it was also the first time either of them had talked alone like this for a while. 

"not unless your busy. i can come back tomorrow, or some time..."

"no no it's fine. i'm just about done here anyway, i just need to finish this small thing," seungwan seemed flushed, but she acted as normal as she could, hoping the older girl didn't notice. but unbeknownst to her, joohyun had learned every small conscious and subconscious movement seungwan made when she was nervous. it was scary how much joohyun knew her, even to the girl herself. she noticed how seungwan began fiddling with her glasses and how she shifted her feet every few seconds; her eyes darting to joohyun before snapping back to the computer screen, but they always made their way back to land on the taller girl who had taken refuge on her bed, already laying down and staring at the ceiling. a few months ago, joohyun would have made a joke about placing glow in the dark stars to make constellations for her to look at when they had their next late night conversation, but now it only seemed that if joohyun broke the silence for anything other than what she set out to do, she would fall once again down into the comforting arms of routine, and she would never take the courage to say what she needed to say. 

it seemed ages before seungwan turned off her computer, took off her glasses and finally laid beside joohyun. but it felt as if they had never been so far apart, even with their arms touching and their hands brushing one another's. neither one of them wanted to stay in this awkward suffocating silence, but neither of them wanted to break it in case the other wanted to speak about something different. 

"what did you want to talk about?"

"what's your biggest fear?" the question had come quietly and quickly, but seungwan didn't dare look at joohyun's profile. she didn't want to break this veil of muted truths, and she didn't want to scare joohyun away. she didn't want to make a move that could make the older girl either run or back out of her plan completely. so she played along with joohyun's game, since she had already mapped out the choices that would bring her to where she wanted you to be. 

"i...maybe losing someone that i love. someone like my mum, or my sister. someone who i count as an anchor or someone i care about," no matter how out of the blue the question was to seungwan, she always had to give an honest answer to joohyun. she felt all wrong and tangled up inside whenever she even thought about telling joohyun anything but the truth. 

the older of the two only hummed in answer, and they both delved back into the silence they knew so well, except this one seemed more comfortable than the last. it seemed forever since they had last made a sound when seungwan felt a hand begin to grip hers. they hadn't held hands in so long, the shorter girl had almost forgotten the once familiar grooves and dips that was joohyun's hands, worn from the many years of work.

it felt almost wrong to ask joohyun anything, but seungwan knew that if she didn't break joohyun's thoughts that she had entrapped herself in, she would stay there until they went to sleep like this. then seungwan might never know the true reason for joohyun joining her so late in the night, "what's your biggest fear?"

the older girl practically jumped when seungwan barely breathed out the question. but they didn't dare turn to face one another; that would break the veil of secrecy and protection joohyun had cast over them.

"i-" joohyun swallowed thickly before continuing, as if she was wishing down a lump in her throat, "my biggest fear...is falling out of love with someone whilst they're still in love with me."

it seemed the eldest's plan was to surprise seungwan as much as possible, since with every sentence she said, the younger resisted sucking in gulps of air as an act of surprise. and she made sure not to look at joohyun at all, even if it took all of her will power to do so. she could almost hear the cogs in joohyun's head spinning, finding a way to word her thoughts in a way that would make sense to her. 

"since then... i'll have to be the jerk to break their heart. i'll have to be the one to put them through that pain. and i can't stand letting people down."

"is that why you said no?" the small voice had slipped out before seungwan could catch it between her hands, and now it was wiggling in the air, mocking her with placing a heavy weight of ruining the game joohyun had made. the veil of safety had been popped, and it was crushing them both with the weight of snapping back to reality. they were bandmates. there was no way for them to be together, no matter how badly they tried or wished. there was no safe way to be together, since if joohyun suddenly decided that she didn't want seungwan anymore, then they would both have to live with the fact that they had ruined everything they had for a short time of pure bliss. and seungwan didn't know if joohyun wanted that too. 

"i said no because...because i don't want to hurt you," seungwan was already using her will power to hold herself back from looking at joohyun, even though the veil had already been pierced, so she couldn't stop the tears from rolling down her face, and she tried her best to choke back the sob crawling up her throat, "i'd have to watch as you hurt because of me."

"you could've told me that then."

"i was scared seungwan. i wanted it as much as you did," joohyun knew that being this honest and open with seungwan here and now was dangerous. but she couldn't help herself. she could remember when they had been in this bed last, giggling and smiling as if nothing in the world mattered to them more than the person they were looking at. joohyun used to make a fantasy where seungwan was hers, and she was seungwan's. they would do everything a couple would do, but only in joohyun's head. yes, there were times where they slipped out and joohyun made comments or did something that could definitely be considered more than friendly. but then seungwan had broke that fantasy by trying to make it come true, and she had never been more scared. if seungwan became apart of that fantasy in real life, then joohyun may never be able to have another when seungwan leaves. fantasy's would then belong to seungwan, and any with another person would feel wrong and as if she was taking something that wasn't rightfully hers. 

"as you do."

"what?"

"as you do. you said 'i wanted it as much as you did.' it's 'as much as you do.'" no matter how hard her heart was breaking, seungwan had to correct her. she couldn't lie. she needed to tell joohyun everything or else she feels as if she might explode with guilt and messy feelings. 

"look at me," they had once again submerged into whispers of truth and grasping hands. joohyun tugged the hand in hers, wishing for the owner to look at her. she fell back into her old habits, wrapping both of her small hands around seungwan's one. the way their hands slotted together reminded joohyun of an easier time where seungwan wouldn't flinch at every advance joohyun made. although seungwan was not looking at her, and it made her feel as if she was beginning to choke up again, "please. seungwan please."

the pleading made seungwan's will break, and she really wished it hadn't. as she turned to face joohyun, she had the overwhelming urge to either cry or kiss her. and she for sure was not going to kiss joohyun. but she also did not want to cry. so she stayed undecided, looking into the eyes she loved so much, but instead saw someone who knowingly broke her heart with a simple word. and she was late in trying to fix it. 

"i want to try to be better."

"you had your chance joohyun. and you said no. so why are you saying everything you needed to say now?"

"because i was scared seungwan. i didn't want to lose you when i eventually fuck whatever we could have had together up. i was- i am scared to hurt you to the point where you will hate me."

"then why aren't you happy with what we've got now? this is exactly what you wanted," seungwan could feel her voice raising, but she didn't care anymore. she only wanted the honest truth, and not some half-thought out lie that joohyun's mind has come up with. she has waited for years for joohyun to notice her, and when she finally did, she is only half there. the other half is somewhere seungwan didn't want to find out about. 

"because i realise i want you. i don't want to only have you in my head anymore and i now realise i completely fucked up, and i'm sorry," no matter how much seungwan hated seeing joohyun cry, she wouldn't allow her to crack. she didn't want joohyun to know how much she truly affected her. but her body betrayed her, before she knew it, she was grasping at joohyun's shoulders, and breathing her in as the weight of the once needed veil of muted truths lifted and it was now only them. the raw, true them. joohyun was joohyun and seungwan was seungwan. they could say that they truly wanted to say and do what they've always wanted to do. in that moment, every feeling and every thought they had about one another was clear and hanging in the air to see as they cried together. seungwan laughed at joohyun began buzzing around her, wiping her tears whilst disregarding hers and whispering nonsense about how pretty girls shouldn't cry. 

"i forgive you."


End file.
